We’re at the quarterfinal stage already? That means only a few more days to discuss the absence of the Sisters, Henin’s retirement, injuries, legitimate number ones, Maria’s slam, and the wide open draw. What else is there to talk about besides Nole’s streak, new balls, shaky Nadal and Federer flying under the radar? Apparently, not much else! So let’s create a split screen of our own to discuss all the headlines from the first nine days at Roland Garros.
The Wightman Cup Makes a Comeback!
If you’re old and/or you absolutely loved needless international competition that involved only the women of the United States and Great Britain, rejoice! It’s time to bring back the Wightman Cup! No longer are the days of Jo Durie vs. Jennifer Capriati blowouts! Last week Britain had two players make the second round and the United Sates had one player reach the third round! A regular Mitzvah! Let’s all enjoy Vania King vs. Elena Baltacha as an annual event!
Strong is beautiful but if you’re a blonde Russian it’s even more beautiful!
While all the “top seeds” were falling in Paris, the big news involved Anna Kournikova landing the Biggest Loser trainer role; The New York times reported Maria Sharapova made a ton of cash – even during a year when she played like crap!
Sugarpova? Sounds like a girl group Prince would have thought up involving Vanity, Apollonia and Maria as the lead singer.
PS: My favorite quote from the Sharapova-is-rich-no-matter-how-crappy-she-plays story in the NYTimes? “I’ve been very competitive by nature from a young age, whether it was eating a bowl of pasta faster than somebody else, or always wanting to be the first one in line,” Sharapova said.
How often are players going to point out their competitiveness by letting us know they were mean playing cards, pushed old ladies out of line or took pictures of a big poop they left in the toilet? When I hear these stories, I always feel for their parents. I’m sure none of their friends or their friends’ kids wanted to hang out with a brat who raced everyone to finish their SpaghettiOs.
What about the movement to shorten women’s matches to a pro set?
Guess what? It’s not going to happen! Everyone was so crazy about Caroline Garcia’s AMAZING!! play and huge lead against Sharapova. All the commentators were furious Andy Murray tweeted first what they were all saying – that Garcia was IT. Period. The greatest since…GRAF! Quelle Horreur! Navratilova even gave her five years before she wins a slam! (http://tinyurl.com/3uvbux5)
And then with a huge lead, Garcia proceeded to drop about a million games in a row to lose. Somewhere between taking pictures of kids and convincing everyone to give some of their time to others, Graf was having a meltdown.
Here’s the thing: If you’re pretty and hit the crap out of the ball people pay attention. If you don’t fall into either category, you’d better have a pretty backhand or know how to hit a touch volley down break point. Otherwise, you will be forgotten! And fast!
In fact, tennis players don’t know anything about fashion!
And we learn this lesson over and over and over and over again. Even the queen bee of fashion, Sharapova bombed. Eiffel Tower gets selected as inspiration for the French Open? Really? Way to think outside the box, fashion directors. When Kim Clijsters showed up in a Monica Seles inspired outfit, I figured maybe The Rapture really was about to happen. Or, I hoped it would at least come to Paris.
When you “retire” in tennis, follow the three C’s: Commentate, Coach, Continue to Play.
Martina Navratilova only needs that last “C” and you know how competitive she is! Maybe Martina can take Caroline Wozniacki to the top! Martina must be eager to work with someone with all that potential! And how about Anastasia Myskina? She’s coaching Svetlana Kuznetsova which gives her two out of three. Maybe she and Kuznetsova will play some doubles? Amelie Mauresmo almost completed the trifecta in Paris but didn’t pee in a cup in time so she was blocked. And I was on-court in Melbourne when Rennae Stubbs cried her way through a retirement speech. So I wasn’t surprised to see her entered in both the women’s and mixed doubles events. You know Stubbs will be coaching within a year.
The women’s draw isn’t really that wide open!
Did anyone really think Wozniacki, Zvonareva or Clijsters had a chance to win? If Francesca Schiavone can make the final nothing else really matters. And if she doesn’t? No big deal. Maria is back and giving us fashion, pasta, candy, cash, a possible career slam, an emotional fiancé, some plucky quotes, her trademark awkward celebratory shakes, a comeback that is almost Agassi-esque, more talk about grunting and the re-emergence of the Russians. Do we really need anything else?