US Open Preview – WTA Edition

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Quarter for Straight Women

If you’re a straight woman angry your ticket doesn’t get you close to Rafa or Roger…or Thomaz Bellucci, no problem. Let’s get the cattiness out of the way first. Ignore that smiling blonde with Proactiv skin, the number one ranking and the golfer boyfriend at the top of the quarter. She might make it through but you’ll have plenty of time to root against her during the second week. In the meantime, there are plenty of other women here easier to call “girlfriend.” Pissed at a guy? Jarmila Gajdosova is perfect for a few shots at TGI Fridays. Need a break from your husband? Li Na is paying! Want to just have fun and go shopping? Daniela Hantuchova is here. Feeling nostalgic for the good old days? Check out Kimiko Date-Krumm, Tamarine Tanasugarn, Greta Arn or Roberta Vinci. And aren’t the best girlfriends the ones with whom you can just let down your hair and have some fun? Andrea Petkovic or Svetlana Kuznetsova can make the happen. With all the shapes, sizes, ages and ethnicities in this quarter, it’s a regular Dove advertisement.

Lesbians Love Quarter Two

Oh, lesbians. You’re always there, the silent powerhouse in tennis. Remember the 80s when lesbians rooted for Martina Navratilova during their annual convention (aka WTA Championships) at Madison Square Garden? Yeah, I remember. The Golden Age is back in the second quarter for just about any woman who loves women. Like ‘em loud? Victoria Azarenka is here. And if you like a woman who isn’t afraid to show her curves or kick some butt, her highness Serena Williams is floating in this section. If this quarter were a girl bar, theme nights would be easy to make. Girly girl night with Ana Ivanovic; The Gigi Fernandez jock night with Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez; Big Babe night with Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova; Girls who need a cuddle night with Jelena Dokic and Mirjana Lucic. But come on, isn’t every night a Francesca Schiavone night for the lesbians? Love her!

Straight Guy Fantasy

Ok straight boys, you haven’t arrived until you head into the office after a classic night match and talk about how you were courtside when Andy Roddick channeled Todd Martin and gave you a hi-five. Chances are you’re going to have to sit through a little WTA action before that happens. No worries. There is plenty of eye-candy in the third quarter. A couple of tall blondes, Maria Sharapova and Petra Kvitova, are the bookends in this section. Like them pretty? Flavia Pennetta and Julia Goerges fit the bill. Like them cute and all-American? Get thee to Melanie Oudin! Do you have a mother/daughter fantasy? Check out that first rounder between Jill Craybas and Madison Keys. Looking for a dominatrix? Anastasia Rodionova will definitely show you who’s the boss. And if you’ve got a sister fantasy, Agnieszka and Urszula Radwanska play one another in the first round.

Gay Guys Love the Fabulous Fourth Quarter

Yes, I know gay guys. You still miss Jennifer and Monica. Get over it. They’re done. Never returning. You can watch Monica’s 1989 semifinal run at Roland Garros and Jen’s 2002 heat crazed win over Martina Hingis in Australia as much as you like. But when you’re ready for the real world, check out the bottom quarter. What gay doesn’t like a nutty dad story? Marion Bartoli is here! And, she’s kind of like Monica. Still using the word “fierce”? Well, they don’t make them fiercer than Bethanie Mattek-Sands. And if you’re a bear chaser, chances are Bethanie’s husband will be close by. Drama Queen? Vera Zvonareva! And channel that Queer Eye with a fantasy of giving Nadia Petrova a makeover. And gays just love a veteran with a drag queen name trying to make a comeback while starting a fashion line: Venus is here. For those gays who miss the German power efficiency of Steffi Graf, Venus will probably play Sabine Lisicki in the second round. If you just can’t bear to miss the guys, Sam Stosur’s got a great ATP game. I didn’t say she looked like a man. I just said she’s got a great game.

Go get over yourself and watch some tennis!

(Ed. Note: If you’re bisexual, follow as many quarters as you like. If you’re trans and don’t identify as either male or female, forgive me. I’ll make amends at the next slam.)

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2 Responses to US Open Preview – WTA Edition

  1. TennisFan says:

    Hey Sparky, straight guys fantasize about Frantastic as well an any other fan. The explosive strokes, the fitness, the expressiveness, the ironic understanding….. Don’t be surprised if Louie CK does a wack-off episode watching Schiavo strut her stuff.

  2. madhitter says:

    I’m always happy to hear about crossover appeal!

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