Bizarro Indian Wells

12 things that probably won’t be overheard at Indian Wells

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1. Hi, Serena. So good to see you again.

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2. Everyone here is so young and energized. This tournament really has a similar vibe to Miami.

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3. I saw Federer out at dinner last night. What a slob.

4. Not only do you get used to it, but after a while the screeching actually becomes pretty enjoyable.

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5. The men’s quarters are loaded with Americans.

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6. It’s the same old story: Ferrer phones it in and Tomic grinds it out.

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7. Come quick! Azarenka and Sharapova are about to lip sync a duet of “Call Me Maybe” in the player’s garden.

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8. I love him in the booth, but I really do miss seeing Gimelstob on court.

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9. That’s Redfoo. I celebrate the man’s entire music catalog.

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10. Totally speculating here, but just giving him the eyeball test, Cilic might be juicing.

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11. It seems totally fair to take a ten-minute injury timeout right before your opponent is about to serve for the set.

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12. Who hasn’t woken up in the middle of the night and fired four bullets into their bathroom?

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